2,876 Days

It is sometimes crazy to think that I am coming close to eight years of sobriety. I try not to think to much on the sobriety that I might have and focus only on the time that I do have. I have it heard it several times and I know that it is very true that with my sobriety that I only have this moment. I have no guarantee on any future sobriety. I digress. There are times where it seems as though it was just yesterday that I was out there drinking. I would be lying if I didn't say that there wasn't parts of it that I miss. I can close my eyes and I can remember the weight and feel of a drink. I remember the smell as clearly as if it was in front of me. The first taste, the warm that spreads from it, my body relaxing, knowing that soon I will be blacked out. That was the point for me, the point was to black out. Once I was there I could live and not remember. I was a slave to that feeling of oblivion. It is knowing that I was slave and even a sip could send me back to it is enough for me not to want to take another one. I have to remind me of that fact daily. It is a constant for me. It is sometimes an easy thing and sometimes it is harder. Like right now I know it is heading for a tough spot. Feb. 25th is the anniversary of my dad's death. He passed in 2011 and this time of year is always hard on my sobriety. He was a huge part of my early sobriety. In fact he is the reason that I got sober when I did. I may have found my way in the rooms of AA without him, but God only knows how long that would have taken, He got sober when I was still young and was a good example of how to live without drinking. He was the rock that I first built my sobriety on. I had three years when he pasted and at first I thought it would be a horrible thing to do if I ran out and drank because he died. I know that is the last thing that he would have wanted me to do. So I didn't. I might have not drank, but I wasn't doing what I needed to. Slowly the hurt and anger I felt poisoned me. I was not drinking, but I was headed down the same path as if I would have drank. In a way I think that I needed to do it that way. Last April life had finally beaten me completely down, and I finally got to the point that I was willing to do anything to make things better. I finally realized that I needed to change or I was going to go out drink and likely do so until I was dead. I know to death for me and I was either going to drink or get my shit together. So, I got it together enough to go to a meeting and was utterly honest for the first time ever. I was too scared before to be this honest, but I was past being scared. I was desperate not to drink and said as much. That day was a true turning point for me. I finally found what I was missing in my life. Getting honest in that meeting allowed me to get honest with myself. I found an honest program that day and it saved my life. Things have been better ever since. I am not longer trying to deal with my addiction alone. I have a support net that is there for me, and it has made all the difference. It's funny to me, I grew up in and around AA since I was a small kid and only now am I truly starting to understand it. I know that to those who do not have an addiction problem it is hard to understand what it is like and why I go to several meeting a week. The best I can do to explain it is with something my dad use to say. 

Imagine that instead of people, everyone is a cucumber. With alcoholics we have been pickled. Once changed no matter how much a pickle wants to be a cucumber again, they cannot go back. 

So for this pickle when I go to a meeting I get to spend time with other pickles. I am no longer different, but just one more in the jar. I can not truly explain what it feels like to be in a room of people that thing and feel the way you do. I feel normal, and for me that is huge. I use to have to drink to get that feeling of being normal. I am grateful for the life that I have now. The road I have traveled might have not always been the best, but now that I have experienced perhaps I can share it with another pickle so that don't have to.