Music: the Lifeblood of the Universe

One of the greatest passions and loves in my life is music, I think that Nietzsche said best when he said "Without music, life would be a mistake." I agree completely. To me it is the lifeblood of the universe. I am envy of those that are able to write and perform music, unfortunately those are skills that I just don't quite have. Music can be so utterly personal and even intimate. There are fewer things that I can think of that gets one closer to the divine then music. To me it has a way of saying things that I would be unable to express. I use music like bookmarks in life. I will attach a song with either a person or event in my life and will reflect on that each time that I hear it. Much like looking at a photograph. That is something that I have always been thankful for, the ability to just listen to music and escape into it. I know that I am not the only person that does this, and I think that is one of the beautiful things that music allows us to do. The song writer(s) who wrote the song may have a very specific reason for the music & lyrics and then someone else listens and places a whole new meaning to the song. I can easily say that I have list of songs that I have attributed to people or events in my life both major and minor. I can't think of many of those I call friends that doesn't have a "theme" song I have given them. For me it helps maintain a connection that transcends both distant and in some cases the boundaries of death. So for me there are times where music stops being just entertainment and moves in the spiritual.

2,876 Days

It is sometimes crazy to think that I am coming close to eight years of sobriety. I try not to think to much on the sobriety that I might have and focus only on the time that I do have. I have it heard it several times and I know that it is very true that with my sobriety that I only have this moment. I have no guarantee on any future sobriety. I digress. There are times where it seems as though it was just yesterday that I was out there drinking. I would be lying if I didn't say that there wasn't parts of it that I miss. I can close my eyes and I can remember the weight and feel of a drink. I remember the smell as clearly as if it was in front of me. The first taste, the warm that spreads from it, my body relaxing, knowing that soon I will be blacked out. That was the point for me, the point was to black out. Once I was there I could live and not remember. I was a slave to that feeling of oblivion. It is knowing that I was slave and even a sip could send me back to it is enough for me not to want to take another one. I have to remind me of that fact daily. It is a constant for me. It is sometimes an easy thing and sometimes it is harder. Like right now I know it is heading for a tough spot. Feb. 25th is the anniversary of my dad's death. He passed in 2011 and this time of year is always hard on my sobriety. He was a huge part of my early sobriety. In fact he is the reason that I got sober when I did. I may have found my way in the rooms of AA without him, but God only knows how long that would have taken, He got sober when I was still young and was a good example of how to live without drinking. He was the rock that I first built my sobriety on. I had three years when he pasted and at first I thought it would be a horrible thing to do if I ran out and drank because he died. I know that is the last thing that he would have wanted me to do. So I didn't. I might have not drank, but I wasn't doing what I needed to. Slowly the hurt and anger I felt poisoned me. I was not drinking, but I was headed down the same path as if I would have drank. In a way I think that I needed to do it that way. Last April life had finally beaten me completely down, and I finally got to the point that I was willing to do anything to make things better. I finally realized that I needed to change or I was going to go out drink and likely do so until I was dead. I know to death for me and I was either going to drink or get my shit together. So, I got it together enough to go to a meeting and was utterly honest for the first time ever. I was too scared before to be this honest, but I was past being scared. I was desperate not to drink and said as much. That day was a true turning point for me. I finally found what I was missing in my life. Getting honest in that meeting allowed me to get honest with myself. I found an honest program that day and it saved my life. Things have been better ever since. I am not longer trying to deal with my addiction alone. I have a support net that is there for me, and it has made all the difference. It's funny to me, I grew up in and around AA since I was a small kid and only now am I truly starting to understand it. I know that to those who do not have an addiction problem it is hard to understand what it is like and why I go to several meeting a week. The best I can do to explain it is with something my dad use to say. 

Imagine that instead of people, everyone is a cucumber. With alcoholics we have been pickled. Once changed no matter how much a pickle wants to be a cucumber again, they cannot go back. 

So for this pickle when I go to a meeting I get to spend time with other pickles. I am no longer different, but just one more in the jar. I can not truly explain what it feels like to be in a room of people that thing and feel the way you do. I feel normal, and for me that is huge. I use to have to drink to get that feeling of being normal. I am grateful for the life that I have now. The road I have traveled might have not always been the best, but now that I have experienced perhaps I can share it with another pickle so that don't have to.